I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
