I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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