did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
