this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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