Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
