life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
