Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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