I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
