I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
