It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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