Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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