Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
