i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
