Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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