just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
