He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
