letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
