I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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