4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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