ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
