Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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