she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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