God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
