Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
