Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
