yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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