seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
