Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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