please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
