dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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