New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's shark week go big or go home
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
