You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
