Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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