Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
