I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
