When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
