found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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