We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
