I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
