I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
