shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
