You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
