im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
