You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
