Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
