Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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