I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
