I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
