you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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