His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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