In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
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