i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
