im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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