He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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