you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
