I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
