I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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